Swimming via Liverpool FC to Placid Lake

Yes, swimming alright! It’s pouring down in Manchester, so I guess we’ll all just get in our shorts and suits and stand outside! Also muscle ache is catching up with some of my WEAKER, WIMPIER comrades! I rushed home yesterday in order to fix myself a meal before settling down to watch Liverpool play CSKA Sofia. The scousers had a 3-1 lead from the first leg in Bulgaria, so they didn’t have to play much. And you bet they didn’t play much! BOOOORIIING! Long balls everywhere, strikers absolutley useless (Commentator goes “Morientes looks like he’s going to explode some time” – To which I say “Yes, but not in this life mate”) Riise looked sharp as usual, but he always has. Garcia on in half-time made a difference, but the fact remains that without Gerrard Liverpool is hopeless. Then I watched a cracker of a film. Described as a horror comedy, ‘Lake Placid’ was neither. A 30+ foot crocodile, 150 years old, living in a lake in Maine. How does it get there, an observant reader might ask. It swam the sea from “another continent”! Now the only salt-water croc I know of is the Australian mugger. So I think it must’ve flown Qantas. Oh, and the lakes in Maine do FREEZE in winter! Here’s a bunch of ‘facts’ I learnt about crocs from this informative movie.

‘Fact 1’ – Crocodiles can’t see very well underwater. ‘Scientific explanation’ of ‘fact’ – They have a nictating membrane that covers the eye. I says – So all those hours watching Discovery where crocs are gobbling up fish willy-nilly underwater were staged? Attenborough’s nasty secret?

‘Fact 2’ – If a croc’s coming at you, dive underwater. ‘Scientific explanation’ of ‘fact’ – Look at ‘Fact 1’. I says – That might be the last thing you’ll ever do then, my friend.

What crap acting as well! Jeeeez! The ingredients used were standard fare.
Actor 1 – Pretty blonde, clever, not afraid of trying although she’s a girl
Actor 2 – Outdoor, woodsy man, “Oh what the heck, let’s DO it!”
Actor 3 – Eccentric rich ‘specialist’ scientist who explains things (like croc behaviour) to everyone (and to us stupid audience)
Actor 4 – Fat sheriff (always value for money)
Actor 5, 6, 7 – To get eaten

As for the plot. Opening scene, people out unaware, sudden tragedy, clue = lots of thrashing in the water. Then progressively we see more and more of the croc monster, (presumably the Special Effects people are getting steadily better) until a final showdown. Interspersed with a few private moments between all the ‘action’ so we can get to know the ‘characters’ better.

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