I think I’d rather like living in an Old People’s Home.

I’d really enjoy being sat in front of the telly with my legs up, all warmly wrapped in a blanket and left alone in the corner to shout at the telly.

And I’d be bloody good at it!

People would come and go, administers would administer to me. Nurses would nurse, cleaners would clean, visitors would visit, patients would paish… but nobody would interrupt me, oh no. No no no. Because they would all know what happened the last time someone disturbed me!

I reckon I’d be called ‘Sniper’, because of the way I’d cheat at Monopoly and Risk. Or maybe ‘The Balanced One’; not because I’d kept all my marbles (that may well not be the case) but because of the way I’d carry exactly balanced change in my left and right pockets.

Or maybe just ‘Squelch’.. and newbies would ask “Why is he called that?” and someone would say “Sshhhh!! There’s a story behind that son…. but do you have the stomach for it? DO YOU HAVE THE STOMACH FOR IT??” and just leave it there.

I’d be on the very latest experimental drugs, just like everyone in the ’60s…

Am I old enough to go there now?