A machine answers….

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline …

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

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7 Comments

  1. As a fully trained Psychologist (yeh) I find this kind of humour incredibly distasteful. It’s not funny to take the p*ss out of mentally ill people. The fairy on my shoulder can’t help it if she has to count every hair on my head before we are allowed to leave the house. Why are you bullying me in this way?! Somebody pass me the Prozac. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  2. Hm..what number shall I press? Maybe I should hang up and commit suicide!

    Reply
  3. Ooops, up the dosage, she’s slipping, she’s slipping…

    Reply
  4. Hello kamikazenaz! you wrote
    “Hey N, you should know. What’s the Japanese show where people create illusions on stage with costumes and props and stuff? You know, with a black screen behind and then something moves and then you realise that was a man with a hat on, etc. (poor attempt at explaining, me knows). ”

    It took me a minute for what you wrote to sink in but I think I know what you are referring to. Its a show full of differnt contestants who are amatuers and are voted by a panel of celebrities right? I think you are talking about Kinchan’s annual kasoh-taisho. I could be wrong but your description fits.
    Try searching: 欽ちゃん& 香取慎吾の新!仮装大賞 or kin chan kaso taisho

    or have a look at http://www.kasoh.com/english/index.html

    hope this answers your query πŸ™‚

    Reply
  5. bingbing

     /  1 August, 2005

    expecting your new post!

    Reply
  6. We all love Bing Bing, do you? DO YOU?
    check out her latest post on her weblog!

    Reply
  7. Note to Naz: You are now officially linked under `friends` on my links page. Although, as I am under the category `psychobabble` on ur site, I’m not sure if you should be considered a `friend`. πŸ˜›

    Reply

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