A number of quotes/phrases come to mind when I cast my mind back to my sojourn in India.

“Bartaare” (coming) = Used by the waiters of Airlines Hotel, Bangalore where we convened daily for coffee. You will note the deliberate omission of any indication when the waiter will be coming.

“Aiyyooo” = Cry of desperation. Used in many situations but mostly in response to poor attempts at humour. By KP.

“Naz, your skin..” = Used by MJ. As an excuse to stroke me.

“Spiderpig, Spiderpig” = Unofficial soundtrack in my head.

“You want Slayer?” = Used by KP at Yamaha Rock.

“You have 3 minutes left” = Used by the MC at Yamaha Rock. Repeatedly. Annoyingly.

“Your gang of Jamaican Al Pacinos… drinking Blue Mountain cappuccinos” = Sung by some seriously crap Reggae MoFo at Namaste on Om Beach.

“Let’s build a fire” = Uttered by Abhi when we were stranded on the mountain top, because it was getting dark.

“That auto’s never heard about emission control” = Uttered by Abhi as a smoke machine/bug fumigator disguised as an autorickshaw passed us on the road to Gokharna.

“Adjust madkoli” (make an adjustment/an exception/space) = Used by everyone in Bangalore.

I played a brilliant game, don’t know if you can get it on X Box or PS, but it was called ‘Indian Roulette’. The objective is to choose a destination and then reach there alive and in one piece using the Indian National and State Highways. A great first-person game made interesting by the addition of charming obstacles such as “Asteroid Crater”, “Me Dog, Me Will Cross”, “Look Mum, I Can Drive The Wrong Way” and “Crazy Member Of Public Counting Pocket Change In The Middle Of The Road” (rare, but extremely exciting).

I selected a motorcycle for a Bangalore-Gokarna-Bangalore jaunt and played it in both day and nighttime settings. Nighttime is when it gets really scary with extra-special appearances (quite literally) of “Bunny Jaywalkers” hopping across out from the median divide, “Laser Optical Surgery” trucks with high-beam lights and “See Me If You Can” tractors pulling bales of hay.

Scientific Note:- The Indian Roadcrosser (homo suicidalis indianus) has a special adaptation, an admirable appendage which it uses to do what it does best, i.e. cross roads. This appendage is called the Magic Hand (manus waveare) which it waves at any highway traffic hurtling towards it from both sides and such is the belief in the power of the magic hand that often the Roadcrosser escapes unhurt. Of course, it must be noted that the magic is temperamental and only seems to work when said oncoming highway traffic can actually see the Roadcrosser…

Dear folk, the star attractions of a zoo in Guwahati, Assam are Bengal tigers that killed a zoo visitor who was trying to get close to them for a photo shoot. The story is shocking, and the photos in the Deccan Herald newspaper suitably gruesome. But as usual I’ve a different take on the story. I must say most of all I enjoyed the journalistic style and commitment to factual reporting displayed in this article.

The opening lines are killers (pun not intended); whatever could be the reason for adopting this approach:-

Mesmerised by the wild and glamorous Divya, Jaiprakash Bezbaruah desperately wanted to capture a closer snap of her on his camera. But neither Divya nor her beau, Govardhana, were in a mood to take kindly to this intrusion of their privacy and Bezbaruah had to pay the price with his life.

It reads like something from Barbara Cartland, not that I’ve ever read that trash. And there’s more:-

His left hand was still with the big cats, which were later seen playing with it.

And the article ends on an (intentionally?) ironic note:-

Both Divya and Govardhana are one of the star attractions of the zoo.

p.s. All quotes from this morning’s Deccan Herald newspaper.

After a series of delays at Dubai, I emerged from Bangalore airport at 0001 local time on Monday morning. Having been at Manchester airport at 1700 local time on Saturday, you can imagine I was pretty knackered. Thank heavens Yasso and mates were there to hustle me into the car (I got weird looks from them when I snapped my seatbelt on). We still went for a chicken biryani at the Taj Westend, and it was wonderfully topped with fried onions and served with lentils and raita like it should.

Ok, I’m here now, the smells and sounds are old friends. It’s quite dusty, and I’m noticing things that, as a kid, were all part of the environ to me. Things are quite a bit dearer than I remember, and the surprising thing is I expected prices not to have risen. Duh!

The roads are beckoning, familiar and overwhelming. Bangalore has one-ways and overpasses now, and you can’t ride up on to the pavements to overtake anymore. Hehehe. Good to know though that at night stopping at red lights is still user-optional; as long as there is judicious use of a blaring horn you’ll be a-ok.

Laters. There’s a world out there.

Alright folk, this may well be my last post for this year. I’m off to Southern India to get browned in the Tropics and eat all the food I can lay my filthy mitts on. My sister’s fixed up her old bike, a single piston, tub-thumping hulk of a beast, and I shall be looking forward to a few high-speed tumbles. I land in Bangalore this Sunday and head straight to a metal gig my sister’s drumming at.

Plans for Goa are currently afoot. Maybe a flight out to the Andaman islands as well.

Oh, and this is my first post with a piccie. Somehow it had to be a bike! (Yes, I’ve posted youtube videos before photos!)

Oh this movie sucks even more than I remembered it did!!

Scratch my eyes out somebody, please!!!

IMDB says

Tagline: In The Year 2000 Hit And Run Driving Is No Longer A Felony. It’s The National Sport!

Plot Summary: A champion of a brutal cross-country car race of the future where pedestrians are run down for points.

“We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
In an Indian accent.”

I shall be having a super long Christmas holiday starting this Saturday and going all the way to next year.

India here it comes!!

I’m sure all of you have heard about the English teacher Rachel Gibbons who has been languishing in jail in Sudan because she let kids in her class name a teddy bear ‘Muhammed’.

I’m not writing here to comment upon how absurd I find the situation.

Nor am I interested in the welfare of the teacher.

I just find the headline funny. “Gibbons released from Sudan”!! Haha!!

“What is a holiday? It is more a ritual than a real rest. It is a time when you want to feel free, but you aren’t, not really, and not only if you are unwise enough to take your BlackBerry with you. Your holiday does not comprise the things you would do if all your time was your own; it is what you choose to do because most of it isn’t.”

Road to Morocco diary, The Economist

Wiki says

“Interest is repeatedly condemned in the Bible. Aristotle denounced it, the Romans limited it, and the early Christian church prohibited it.
Western theologians eventually distinguished interest from usury, and it was reintroduced to Christians and Muslims around the time of the Renaissance.”