I’m off to see Man Utd play Lille today at Old Trafford. Kick off at 19:45. Champions League means I had to cancel my swimming today. Won’t have to see Tinks in a swimsuit again, Thank God for small mercies!! I’m predicting a 3-0 thrashing of the Frenchies. Unfortunately Wonder Boy and Granny-toucher-upper Rooney won’t be there, he’s banned for applauding a great decision by ref to send him off.

They have a programme on tonight about people who are obsessed with sex. And apparently this woman is so obsessed that over the years she’s bedded 100,000 men. Yes, that’s one-hundred-thousand. Someone’s telling porkies here!! At a rate of one a day, I’m calculating 300 a year, a thousand in 3 years, which gives her about 300 years of sexual maturity (and desirability, but let’s not go there!) in which to accomplish said deed. Upping the ante, if we say she managed 3 a day, everyday (no breaks on Weekends and national holidays) that still makes it approx. 1000 a year, and a hundred years on her back. More than three different people a day? Ok, four? Five? I can’t see the numbers fitting! So I guess I’ll have to watch this programme to find out the truth.
(Voice at Channel five: “Heh heh! Sucker!!”)

Ok, as promised, I’m going to post the cockney alphabet here. Had to use God to find most of them, hope you’ll find it a laugh.

A for Horses (Hay for Horses), A for ism (aphorism)

B for mutton (Beef or Mutton) B for my time (Before my time) B for dinner (beef for dinner)

C for yourself (See for yourself) C for Sailors (sea for sailors) C for ships C for miles (see for miles) C for looking (see for looking)

D for ential (deferential/differential) D for dumb (deaf or dumb) D for Kate (defecate) D for rent (different)

E for brick (heave a brick) E for Adam (Eve or Adam) E for you or me (either you or me) E for Gas (Ether gas)

F for vescence (effervescence)

G for police (chief of police), G for get it (Gee, forget it!) G for take (give or take) G for Staff (chief of staff) G for Sis (g-forces) or G for horse (G-force)

H for respect (age for respect) H for retirement (age for retirement) H for it (Hate you for it) H for weight (Age for weight) H for teen (Age 14) H before beauty (age before beauty) H for consent (age of consent) H for love (ache for love) H for himself (each for himself) H cheer for the winner(A cheer for the winner)

I for an I (eye for an eye) I for get/got (I forget/forgot) I for nate (hyphernate) I for a needle (Eye for a needle) I for no (Ivanhoe) I for the Girls (eye for the girls) I for idea (I’ve an idea) I for tower (Eiffel Tower) I for idea/nasty cold (I’ve an idea/a nasty cold) I for pain (I’ve a pain)

J for dollar to spare (Do you have a dollar…)

K for teria (cafeteria) K for a cuppa (Care for a cuppa) K for coffee (Cafe for coffee) K for Restaurant (Cafe or Restaurant) K for the door (key for the door)

L for leather (Hell for leather)

M for sis (emphasis) M for sema (emphysema)

N for lope (envelope) N for eggs (Hen for eggs) N for mation (information) N for end (end-for-end) N for a penny (In for a penny…) N for it (In for it) N forcement (enforcement), N for red (infrared) N for terrible (enfant terrible)

O for the garden wall (Over the garden wall) O for my dead body/ O for goodness sake//O for the wings of a dove/O for the moon, O for crying out loud! O for there, O for come (overcome) O for a nice cold beer

P for relief (Pee for relief) also P for a penny, P for yourself, P for a whistle, P for cake (Piece of Cake)

Q for rations/the flicks/for fish and chips/for tickets/for a bus (Queue for..) Q for billiards (cue for billiards) Q for ills (Cure for ills) Q for a song (cue for a song)

R for mo (Half a mo’) R for Bitter (half of bitter) R for loaf (Half a loaf)

S for you (As for you/it’s for you) S for anto (esperanto) S for mation (a flying formation) S for As You Go (As Far As You Go) S we have no bananas (yes, we have no bananas)

T for two (Tea for two) T for eating (Teeth for eating) T for Gums (Teeth or Gums) T for dentures (Teeth or dentures)

U for me (You for me) U for mism (euphemism) U for ear (euphoria) U for Fox (Uffa Fox, British yachtsman and boat-builder) U for knee (euphony) U for age (youth or age) U for got (You forgot) U for ram (Ewe for ram) U for nasia (Euthenasia)

V for La France (Viva La France) V for l’amore (Vive l’ amore) V for Espana! (Viva Espana!) V for Victory

W for a bob (I’ll double you on a pushbike for a shilling) W for nothing/quits/ two hearts/trumps (Double you for nothing, quits etc – betting, gambling or poker terms) W for cards, Could be updated to W for president

X for breakfast (Eggs for breakfast

Y for mistress (Wife or mistress) also Y for husband/girlfriend/lover/kids, Y for Christ’s sake/God’s sake/goodness sake?Y for runts (Y-fronts) Y for thin (wafer thin) Y for and wherefore

Z for breeze (Zephyr breeze) Z for motor car (Ford Zephyr); Z for his hat (His head for his hat)Z for the doctor (zend for the doctor)

Having been tagged by Turboslut, I now must delve into my backlog (sounds naughty, that) and retrieve the 23rd blog I posted. These are the complete set of rules:

Go into your archives.
Find your 23rd post.
Find the fifth sentence or close to it.
Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
Tag 5 other people to do the same.

“Haha, I love that kind of logic!”
is the 5th sentence from my 23rd blog

And I tag Ioannis, Jessy, Rachey, Jill, and Bingboula (Tracy doesn’t even have 23 blogs, I’m sure. Nyah nyah ni nyah!)

Okay, first point in my pad: My digibox remote wasn’t working for a brief period yesterday between 19:23 and 20:32. I thought my life had come to a standstill. I checked the batteries and they were ok. Now I must tell you a little about how I, as an avid scientist, approached this problem. Ever since I was a wee nipper I was interested in how things work. A simple clockwork toy would fascinate me, and I just had to figure out what made it tick. Some of my happiest hours were, and still are, spent taking things apart and most of the time putting them back together again. Physics to Naz the schoolboy was not a boring subject that had to be learned, but a key, an explanation of how things worked. Kinetic energy, levers and pulleys, all friends of man. So after checking the batteries I gave it a couple of quick whacks with the side of my hand. It’s working now and my life is back on track. 😛

I mentioned the The Dalai Lama yesterday, whose book I am currently reading. I can’t seem to put it down, which is great praise considering I’ve also got two sci-fi novels vying for my attention. A wonderful simplicity of the guy comes through on every page. And bliss of bliss! Michael Palin was talking about Tibet on ‘Himalayas’ as well, as he took the high road to Lhasa and he showed me all the places mentioned in the book. It was like a crash course in Tibetan history. I felt like packing my bags and setting off. I love Palin, he’s got a great sense of humour while travelling.

But before that our very own Channel M (those brighter ones amongst you may have already realised that it’s M for Manchester) showed an interview with Tracy Chapman!!! She’s such a quiet person, with an infectious laugh and always thinks carefully before talking. I was well impressed.

Then came ‘Touching the void’, the documentary about the climbers in Peru upon whom befell a great disaster. I had seen it before at the ‘moving picture hall’ but kept flicking back to it. I really sympathise with the guy lying dying, when he says how he kept hearing ‘Brown girl in the ring’ and couldn’t get it out of his head. He says, “I couldn’t believe I was going to die to Boney M”. I failed a Chem exam because of ‘November Rain’, as I’ve mentioned previously in these hallowed pages.

So what song would you like to go out on?

I have now 2 bound copies of my dissertation in my grubby mitts. Although it’s my own child, fruit of my loins, I’m not really proud of it. But the thing is that I’m finally shot of it. I was awake all night with bleary eyes staring at the screen. Fortified with essential vitamins in Red Bull, and after a cheeky nip down to the pub for a pint or five, I sat in MBS with Mamie trying to patch the gaping wounds in my disso.
Nighty night!

China’s putting its second manned spaceflight up in orbit at 9am tomorrow (actually 1am our time). But foreign news crews are banned, and although they plan to broadcast around 50 hours of the flight live on state television, if the launch fails they plan to show a documentary about how other countries’ missions have failed. Vive la Republic!!!
Ooops, forgot: Thanks to NewScientist for this heads-up

Sorry to keep you fans waiting for so long, only there’s the teeny matter of my dissertation that needs to be buried in a peat bog by the 12th. Yes, that’s this month. But like an addict to his needle, I return with trembling fingers (No, I shan’t have another Red Bull, thank you very kindly) to post. Ahhh, what shall it be today?? I remember leafing through Kundera again yesterday; I took him with me to Munich, but what with the beer and the beer, he kind of never made an appearance. There’s one very interesting (“Interesting”? Can’t I find a better adjective? One more complementary to the atmosphere of a seasoned surgeon dissecting human nature and spreading its entrails before us yet again?) chapter where he describes the meeting of Germany’s mind Goethe with France’s…. stomach(??) Napoleon (Bonnyparty always reminds me of a stomach. His appetite, and of course his quote “An army marches on its stomach”. Which, though true, nonetheless makes me smile). He speaks of Napoleon issuing ‘sound-bites’ much as a modern politician might, and utters his belief that people posed for photographs long before photographers existed. Or maybe that’s not quite correct how I put it. Not before they existed, but before they were present. Because Kundera writes that a thing exists in its essence long before it comes into being. I wish I could give you the exact words; maybe tomorrow. Au revoir, gringos!

Cherryfairy goes to t’top, because it’s her HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Bingboul’s climbing rapidly now she’s back from her parent’s home, and she addressed her plea directly to me. Autology slipping because there have been no updates. No changes in the bottom of the league; Rayk, Qing, Ye, Ina and Antonia all in the relegation zone at the moment. Ioannis, Boudica and Turboslut steady, as are Jessy, Jill and Tracy.
Remember, YOU CAN do something about your ranking!! Send me some money, or if you’re broke, call me and we can come to some other arrangement 😛