There was a young schizophrenic called Struther,
Who, when told of the death of his brother,
Said “It’s true, this is sad
But it isn’t too bad
Atleast I still have each other”

A rich woman was reaching the age of 50, and decided to finally take a break from her hectic life running her businesses and get married. However, she had one firm stipulation; the man she would marry must not have had sex with a woman before. Out went her minions in search of such a suitor. The scoured the continent, then looked further afield, taking out advertisements in newspapers in a hundered different languages, running spots on television channels, etc. Finally reaching Australia, they found one such man who had lived his life in the outback and had never so much as laid eyes upon a woman.
The rich woman asks him to confirm that he had never slept with a woman, and then agrees to go ahead and get married to him. On the wedding night, she goes to the bathroom to prepare herself and then enters the bridal chamber, only to find her brand-new husband standing naked in the middle of the room with all the furniture piled up in a corner. Taken aback, she demands an explanation for his behaviour. He says, “Well, I’ve never had sex with a woman before, but if it’s anything like sex with a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get”

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline …

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

Another gem from the career’s service. An e-mail advertises the availability of a job as a helper for a disabled writer who will be totally dependent on the help physically. But the e-mail details the skills they are looking for as “A lack of caring experience would be an advantage” I wonder why?

I’ve been reading a book (yes, I do that sometimes) called ‘Experiences’ by Martin Amis, kind of autobiographical. He says that Princess Di’s favourite poem contains these lines

Life is mostly froth and bubble,
two things stand as stone.
Kindness in another’s trouble,
courage in your own.

Which his father, Kingsley Amis, parodies as

Life is mainly grief and labour
two things get you through.
Chortling when it hits your neighbour,
whingeing when it’s you.