I’ve won the lottery.

The kind gents at “UK National Lottery” apparently held an “Online Sweepstakes International Lottery Program … on JANUARY 12TH, 2007.”

According to this e-mail I’ve received, “Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from a pool of over 25,000 names of distinguished professionals drawn from Europe, America, Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Middle-East, parts of
Africa, and North & South America as part of our international promotions programme conducted annually to encourage prospective overseas entries. We hope with part of your prize awards, you will take part in our subsequent lottery jackpots.”

Distinguished professional??? Moi??? Well, I’ll let that one slip, because a phrase like “…your £850,000,00 (Eight Hundren and Fifty Thousand Pounds Sterling) would be released to you by any of our payment offices in Europe” buys a lot of forgiveness in my books.

And if I had any doubts as to the authenticity of this, they’ve given me a contact e-mail address, uknationallotteryboard_claims@yahoo.co.uk.
 

On a more serious note, I’ve got an interview coming up Thursday for a “Geographic Information Systems Assistant” at one of Greater Manchester’s largest transport authorities for buses and trams (there, that should give you a clue). If you still haven’t got it, try putting the words “Greater”, “Manchester”, “Public” and “Transport” together in Google.

As everyone knows (well, should know) this brilliant court-room drama book by John Grisham has also been made into a movie starring John Cusack (there’s been a lot of him on telly recently; has he died or summat?), Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman (the Real Hoff) and Rachel Weisz.

Now this effort, though commendable is in itself is not remarkable; they are not the first to make a film from a thought-provoking read (ref: Batman). What is noteworthy is that although the book was about the battle between the tobacco companies and the anti-smoking lobby with huge amounts at stake, the film script modified (downsized) this to being about guns, rather than cigarettes. Still an evil, one might say, but not as all-encompassing as the mighty cigarette.

It seems quite likely that the film makers were scared or bullied into changing that detail. Especially as I remember the book contained some vivid anti-smoking scenes, one with a video shown in court of the legal deposition of a man dying from cancer imploring people not to smoke (which any Hollywood producer would jump upon as a definite yes in his movie).

More than anything, what I took away from that movie is the ability of certain groups with vested interests to influence what we see.

On a separate note, I went to last.fm and typed in the name of a band I wanted to listen to (Rush) and they are now playing music similar on my own radio channel!! Including Dreamtheater, Yes, Van Halen, Porcupine Tree, Liquid Tension Experiment, King Crimson, Ozzy, Pink Floyd, Boston, Blue Oyster Cult and more. Try it.

I’ll bet you’ve never seen a post like this before.

As a young and impressionable lad at school in India, I was surprised to see a number of my comrades scrabbling around for a piece of brick to take with them to the toilets. What was rivetting was that this didn’t seem to be an optional choice, but a necessity. They could be bursting at the seams, but no brick meant no peeing.

Being the budding anthropologist / smarmy fucking nosey bastard that I was, I began my investigation of this curious affair.

The thing that struck me first (apart from a couple of smart blows to the nose when I got carried away with my observations and drew too close to my ‘performing’ subjects) was that the perpetrators were exclusively of the Islamic persuasion.

Subtle investigative questioning coupled with familiarisation tactics (“Why the brick, mate?”) led to the uncovering of the truth. The boys (did I forget to mention that I had access to data from the boy’s toilets only?) were under the impression that The Prophet (pbuh) himself rather liked them to do this.

“What?” I asked. “Take a brick with you to pee? Why on earth? Where’s the sense in that?” (I already had the beginnings of my trademark inquisitiveness and thirst for knowledge that made me such a frickin’ pain in the backside).

After long and tedious inquiries into the matter (thereby illustrating another of my trademarks; the doggedness and persistence and never-say-die attitude that makes people want to say “Never say die, eh? Well, I’d like to try”), I managed to elucidate the matter.

Apparently the brick (or any other absorbent dry matter) is to be used in the absence of water to clean your thingammyjig of any stray drops after “going”. Here was a classic case of little zealots performing things by rote without understanding what they were supposed to be doing. They were just chucking the bricks into the urinals after peeing, and their thingammyjigs were none the cleaner for it (I was observing all this, remember?). 

Hence I illustrated a common sense idea that was taken literally and performed mechanically because the religious got mixed up. Unfortunately this happens a lot.

Shasha’s Sony monitor was flopping about, so I (was) volunteered to fix it. Half-an-hour of messing about with Google and model numbers and downloading plug-ins, and I’m finally having a chat with an analyst called Sammy. You just know this is going to be good.
A verbatim report follows:- (my snide sub-texts are in brackets)

Problem: Hi. Having problems w my monitor; it’s flopping about and needs propping up. How do I go about tightening the screws on it?user naz has entered room
analyst Sammy_ has entered room
(ooh, getting cozy)

Sammy_> Hi Naz. Welcome to Sony Online Support. I’m Sammy. Please allow me a moment to review your concern.

naz> Hi Sammy.

Sammy_> Thanks for waiting, Naz. I’m sorry that the monitor is propping up. I’ll be happy to assist you with this.

(eh? I said it’s flopping about and needs propping up. Our Sammy isn’t the sharpest. And can you stop promising to assist me and start assisting me?)

Sammy_> Are you trying to tighten the screws of the monitor? (oh, not a DIY nuthead! Does he even know what screws are??)

naz> Yes, I’ve flipped the back panel open but can’t identify the screws that will prevent the monitor from wobbling. (see, I know what I’m doing and proved it by using the technical term “back panel”. My technical prowess is further established by the fact that I coolly “flipped” it open)

Sammy_> I suggest that you contact the Sony Authorized Service Center to get further assistance to tightening the screws of the monitor as these issues are handled by Sony Authorized Service Center team. (Uh-oh, the situation is getting out of hand!!! A customer has got into our back panels!!! What if he sees that the monitor is actually run by little mice with paintbrushes???)

Sammy_> Shall I forward a link where you can find a repair location to get further assistance to tightening the screws of the monitor?

naz> yes please. (I thought this was the place where I would get further assistance for tightening the screws of the montior !?)

Sammy_> Okay, Naz. I’ll forward the page to locate the Sony Authorized Service Center.

Sammy_> When you receive the link, please click on it to open the page and let me know if you are able to view it. (I hope he knows what a link is)

Sammy_> http://www.sel.sony.com/service/plsql/rma.inquiry

naz> yes got it. Thanks. (that link was where I found you from, you klutz!!)

Sammy_> Are you able to take it from here or would you like me to assist you with setting up service? (can’t be too careful with this numbskull)

naz> I’m fine thanks, you’ve been most helpful. (he said ironically)

Sammy_> You’re welcome. (Haha, lets stick this ‘genuine customer comment’ in my annual review file!!)

Sammy_> Have a nice time, Naz.

naz> ciao (do I wish him a nice time as well?? do I send a smiley, or hug him?? oh it’s getting a bit too uncomfortable with the lovey-dovey talk, so use an off-hand Continental “ciao”)

Going Ice Skating in Picadilly Gardens now. Expect to watch a lot of falls while all the time my superior balance and panther-like agility will keep me head and shoulders and torso above the rest.

Yes, I’ve never done it before and I’m a tad nervous.

It’s another slow day. Finished reading ‘Our Inner Ape’ (Frans de Waal), now moved on to If a Lion Could Talk (Stephen Budiansky).

My Google Analytics are showing a disappointingly miniscule amount of readers.

I want to join the Manchester Literary and Philosophical Society, but their webpage says “A membership form for you to print and complete will be available here soon.”

New Year’ll be here soon.

Have a good time everyone and don’t forget to make your resolutions practical and achievable.

All I remember about our supposedly “fun” Christmas Party on the 23rd at Ioannis’ was that I was cheated out of a(nother) victory in my life. My team, composed of me (and two other persons called Jeff and Rob who were there only to make up the numbers) was walloping the three other teams at Trivial Pursuit when suddenly out of the blue another team started winning.

To be completely honest, I was not without fault for my defeat.

I should’ve suspected something was fishy in the State of Denmark when Tracy started answering trivia questions.

Especially before I had completed asking the question.

In the past I have often felt rather left out when my England football mates all talked in the locker room about their Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, and I had none to compare!! I could match them pound for pound with their Range Rover Sports and Lincoln Navigators, but here I was being out-classed in my own backyard, mental disorders!! Until it struck me that I have been so busy trying to sort out World Poverty and Cancer that I didn’t even realise I had a wonderful disorder of my own. Oh Joy!!

I don’t throw away empty mayo jars.

Now you might say this is just a rather unusual form of squirrelling, but I say nay! When you consider that I only eat Hellman’s full fat mayo, and only buy the large jars, then you will come closer to understanding. You see, with the standard spoons (and knives and forks) in my house, I can never reach the bottom of the jar so there’s always a mini-motherlode of mayo waiting to be tapped. So I put the jar back into the fridge and open a new jar for my immediate needs. I reason that someday when I’m cooking and want to make the dish somewhat creamier, I’ll pour some hot water into the jar, swirl it around and thus get at that slippery mayo.

Thus I have a fridge chock full of almost-but-not-quite empty mayo jars.

 

And a Bushism :- “We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbour just like you like to be liked yourself.”

Ah, you don’t even know how I like to be liked myself!!

I was sure I had posted about the Australian investigative journalist and film-maker John Pilger before. Above are the titles of two of his unusual books; unusual in that they are reporting what almost nobody else in the West is. Freedom Next Time talks about the injustices around the world suffering because of unscrupulous policies of Western “leaders”. The people he examines in the case studies are the Chaogossians, Palestinians, Indians, South Africans and Afghans. The other book, New Rulers of the World, shows how empirism is still intact in the way monetary aid, trade sanctions and agreements are used to fuck over the poorer countries. The WTO takes a heavy beating as well as the US Govt, but really nobody is left unscathed. And these books are based on purely journalistic methods of uncovering evidence that is there for all to see, but nobody really has the time to discover and therefore accepts the spoon-fed truth from “media sources”. Enlighten yourself and get a copy of these books from the library.

Go to John Pilger . com and find out more.